Hating myself right about now

I usually try not to post entries on this blog where I talk about what I did today and what’s been bothering me lately and which friend I’d like to kill but it makes this blog seem so inauthentic as if though all I ever think about is feminism and whatever else I talk about on here. The truth is that I worry a lot about what’s going to happen to me and where I’m going to end up and if I’m just going to keep making stupid excuses for myself every time I try to do something new and then fail at it and say bullshit like, it’s the experience that counts! I mean, yeah gaining new experiences is always a good thing but sometimes I desperately want things to go according to the way I envisioned it in my mind. Sometimes I want to actually succeed at things. Hell, I want to succeed all the time but each time plans fall through due to my own inadequacies and indiscipline, I say crap like maybe it’s just better this way. I don’t want to do that anymore. It makes avoidable fuck ups seem OK and excusable and the best thing that could have happened in the grand scheme of things. I want to work hard and get the results I want. I just want to accomplish goals again and to get that feeling of accomplishment and success when you do. You don’t feel that way when things just happen to you.