Hating myself right about now

I usually try not to post entries on this blog where I talk about what I did today and what’s been bothering me lately and which friend I’d like to kill but it makes this blog seem so inauthentic as if though all I ever think about is feminism and whatever else I talk about on here. The truth is that I worry a lot about what’s going to happen to me and where I’m going to end up and if I’m just going to keep making stupid excuses for myself every time I try to do something new and then fail at it and say bullshit like, it’s the experience that counts! I mean, yeah gaining new experiences is always a good thing but sometimes I desperately want things to go according to the way I envisioned it in my mind. Sometimes I want to actually succeed at things. Hell, I want to succeed all the time but each time plans fall through due to my own inadequacies and indiscipline, I say crap like maybe it’s just better this way. I don’t want to do that anymore. It makes avoidable fuck ups seem OK and excusable and the best thing that could have happened in the grand scheme of things. I want to work hard and get the results I want. I just want to accomplish goals again and to get that feeling of accomplishment and success when you do. You don’t feel that way when things just happen to you.

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Travel

I’ve been spending a lot of my time at work looking up travel in South America and even finding out what level I’m at in Spanish. Apparently I’m advanced in the vocabulary but at the beginner level in grammar. Five years is enough time for all your grammar knowledge to diminish into nothing. My old Spanish teacher would not be pleased at all. She took great pains to teach us all those tenses and when exactly they should be used. It’s sad that I’ve forgotten all of it. Overall, I’m at the intermediate level. I’ve also been pricing tickets and trying to find the locations of all the embassies and consulates for the different South American nations in my country.

I realize that I’ve been taking this travel thing seriously, that I might actually do this thing and that I’m terrified that I won’t do it. Yes, it’s a confusing muddle of emotions. I’m excited that I’m actually taking the steps to make this dream a reality but it’s frightening me a bit as well. If I don’t do it, I will feel so disappointed in myself. And if I do it but it doesn’t live up to my expectations and I end up failing at it, that would really hurt me as well. I’ve invested so much hope into this. This dream to travel and explore constitutes such an enormous chunk of what I aspire to do in life. Perhaps I should think this thing through more and figure out why I want to travel so much. If I was doing it for all the right reasons, I wouldn’t be so confused.