I don’t want to be the kind of Feminist

..who only feels inspired to write posts about feminism when other feminists have pissed her off because they’re apparently doing it wrong. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who only feels inspired to write when she sees some shit on facebook that one of her female acquaintances has posted. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who feels like clobbering one of her female friends or colleagues on the head when she hears her bashing other girls or explaining oh-so-informatively why girls are actually inferior to guys with respect to logic, psychology and emotions. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who in a fit of rage writes an essay about how much she hates girl-hate and girls who girl-hate. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who feels intense hatred for girls who try to explain why girls are horrible friends to have and male friends are so much better. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who only feels like writing when she is forced to endure interaction with girls/women who have internalized misogyny to such an extent that they are willing to throw their dignity, pride as well as their own girlfriends under the bus just to get some pitiful scraps of approval from some inconsequential, pathetic guys.

And yet I am that kind of feminist. And I seem to have internalized misogyny as well. I hold my female colleagues and feminists to higher standards than the rest of society so that if they say one fucked up thing, I jump all over them with anger. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to tear apart a man the same way I’ve wanted to tear apart a woman for saying something misogynistic. It’s like I expect men to be fucking assholes – I’ve stopped expecting any kind of decency from them. I simply don’t care for it anymore. But when a girl says some shit, I can’t bear it. It’s like they’re betraying their friends, their sisters, the people who actually care about them just for some approval from men who don’t give a fuck about them and I can’t stand it and I have to let them know it.

I have no excuse for being like this. The above is not an excuse but an explanation for why I feel infuriated when girls bring each other down for not being sufficiently appeasing to men and the patriarchy. But an excuse and an explanation are more or less the same thing in my book, so who am I fooling? I can’t go holding girls to higher standards than men because doesn’t that kind of make me an oppressor too? We’re all trying to survive in this world which is governed by systems which privilege some over many, many others and we do this in various ways. Who am I to fucking judge? I’m going to try to not be so judgemental in the future. Let’s see how long it will last because I can’t just turn my anger off like a switch. And when I’m angry, I need to vent and writing is my outlet. It will be a slow process but I’ll just have to try.

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What exactly is a “real woman” anyway?

Real Women

This “real woman” bullshit is something which really divides women. It may seem uplifting to some women but it makes other women feel like crap. Do you know how annoying it is to hear a “curvy” woman go on about how she’s proud of her curves because they’re sexy and she’s glad she’s not skinny because skinny girls have no shape and are sick-looking and ugly? I know that it must be equally annoying for these same women to have the skinny ideal shoved into their faces repeatedly by the media but that’s no reason to be fucking mean. Do you know that there’s a hell of a lot more to people than whether they’re skinny or fat or thick or whatever? Did you know that skinny girls can actually be kind? Did you know that skinny girls can actually be smart? Did you know that skinny girls can actually be really great friends?

If there’s anyone to hate for this skinny ideal bullshit, it’s the media and idiots who are intent on perpetuating this crap. There will be mean skinny girls out there, of course, who might take a pride in their skinniness because they have nothing else going for them. But there are also nice skinny girls out there too. When you start going on about how ugly and freaky and disgusting they are, the target of this includes both mean and nice skinny girls.

So instead of being mean, let’s be nice to each other. We’re all real women regardless of our size. We all have to jump through a million and one hoops in the obstacle course that is patriarchy in order to survive. We all have expectations to live up to. We all have to figure out how to be happy. We all have to figure out what’s a bunch of lies and what’s the truth. We all have it fucking hard and we don’t need to further divide ourselves over a standard that was created by the male-dominated media and culture.

Image obtained from here.

De-constructing mean “pretty” girls.

I don’t tend to have feelings of jealousy towards girls who are “prettier” than me, but I do feel resentful towards girls who act like they are so much better than me just because they meet the current standards of beauty better than I do and make sure I know it. They might say things like, “You’ve broken out again,” although my skin is always in a state of break out so that there’s no need to really point it out like it’s something new or might make comments on my skin colour, “How are you so dark?”. They usually follow this up with things like, “(Some guy) was telling me about how I don’t even have to wear make up,” or “(Some girl) told me that she really loves my skin!” to rub it in my face that their skin is flawless or “(Some girl) told me out of the blue that she’s really jealous of my complexion and I was like what the hell?”

I understand why girls might feel proud of themselves whenever they meet society’s requirements of what is considered beautiful. After all, it’s been hammered into our heads since birth that beauty is our sceptre, our most important attribute in life, the thing that’s going to get us through all of our troubles and get us the ultimate prize and key to our dreams – a man. The culture and society make us feel bad about our bodies and faces and consequently our lives generally, so that when we “succeed” in looking right in one way, we feel as if though we’ve accomplished something worthwhile or great. Some girls, to reinforce the greatness of their accomplishment and specialness, go out of their way to let other girls know that they didn’t succeed at this feat too. By letting them know of their inferiority, their superiority is reinforced and somehow is validated. After all you can’t feel be superior to other girls if they don’t know they’re inferior. Hurt feelings result and then we have a form of “girl-hate.” This is the girl-hate I’m mostly guilty of.

I can’t help hating girls who think they’re awesome just because they look a certain way and try to make other people feel bad by bringing them down so that they can feel superior. I can’t advise people not to hate these girls because sometimes they do make you feel like shit about yourself. But maybe you can try to see the nice parts of their personality which you might be compatible with, if you must interact with such girls.

If you’re a “pretty” girl, try developing other parts of your personality instead of focusing on your looks. In the grand scheme of things looks don’t make you an awesome person and they fade. It’s your personality and character that are going to determine the kinds of friendships you’re going to have and it is friendships and relationships with others which make life worthwhile and an adventure. If people make friends with you because of your looks, then they’re really not friends worth having. They’ll leave you eventually. So instead of trying to look as good as you can, try to be as good as you can instead. Trying to be both can be tiresome so focus on just one.

Girls, who were victims of these “pretty” girls: try and understand that these girls were not born this way. The world made them this way and this is their way of surviving. Just stay out of their way if you can and if you must interact with them for projects or work etc. try to be professional with them or just focus on the nice parts of their personality if such parts exist.

We’re all just trying to get by in this world, and sometimes the things we do to survive just aren’t very nice.

Rant: What do you do when your female friend is a woman-hater?

I am rapidly morphing into someone I hate. I need some alone time to reclaim myself. I need days free of friends or rather, that one particular friend whose way of thinking is the complete opposite of mine. She lays her opinions onto me, opinions I never even asked for and opinions which I so whole heartedly disagree with and which instantly set my pulse racing with anger. She is one of those who thinks girls are train-wrecks waiting to happen and need men to save them from themselves and she is a firm believer in gender essentialism (even though she doesn’t know that’s what it’s called). Woman hatred or belief in the inferiority of our sex are things I cannot stand and which I can’t help speaking out against. I defend women with all of my heart to her smiling disagreement since she is after all the expert on all women even though she judges them before she can even get to know them or understand their lives. The female sex is generally selfish, idiotic, infantile and fucked up, and she, the good religious girl that she is, is the only exception.

I said before that I can’t help speaking out against the shit that spews out of her mouth but lately I’ve been trying to control myself. I have to be nice, be a good friend, don’t be a bitch! But she continues talking her shit. This happens everyday. Every fucking day. But I control myself. I don’t say anything much, and if I do I say it as nicely as possible though my blood is boiling. Sometimes the annoyance makes itself evident in the higher pitch of my voice and I try to make up for it by not speaking out against her antiwoman tirades the next time one of them occurs. Or sometimes I pretend to agree with her to keep the peace.

The problem is that I feel like I am compromising my beliefs by even being friends with her. I feel like I am not being myself by even smiling with her. Sometimes my smiles are genuine but most times they’re as fake as can be. I hate myself for even trying to keep a good face. Why am I doing this? Why do I even need to try to save a friendship that is completely bad for my health? It is so fake and I hate being fake but this girl is my friend. I feel as if though I don’t even like her much, there are other people who I’d get along with even better. And I am confused as to why I feel the need to mask a piece of my soul in order to be friends with a girl, I quite frankly hate. I can’t just up and stop being friends with her. Things are a hell of a lot more complicated than that. I’ve told her secrets and entrusted some of my feelings to her and basically treated her like a friend. But I may have done this in response to her telling me huge fractions of her life story on a daily basis. I had to give back.

But my behaviour is still confusing me. My beliefs are who I am. When someone has opinions that are the antithesis of my opinions, it means that they are the antithesis of me. They are against me. When you hate women for reasons which the patriarchy and religion have used for years to subjugate us, you also hate me. You can’t separate women and me. I am not an exceptional woman. I am just a woman. 

And this friend that I have, who is driving me insane, is someone who shouldn’t even have the honour of being called a woman. 

Girl Hate

This is a new blog so it’s unlikely that anyone will find this post. Still I’m going to put forward a question:

Why do so many girls hate other girls?

If you’re a girl who thinks that other girls suck as friends, I’d like to know the reasons why. I want to have a friendly conversation about this. So please leave your reasons if you can in the comments below. Thank you.