..who only feels inspired to write posts about feminism when other feminists have pissed her off because they’re apparently doing it wrong. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who only feels inspired to write when she sees some shit on facebook that one of her female acquaintances has posted. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who feels like clobbering one of her female friends or colleagues on the head when she hears her bashing other girls or explaining oh-so-informatively why girls are actually inferior to guys with respect to logic, psychology and emotions. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who in a fit of rage writes an essay about how much she hates girl-hate and girls who girl-hate. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who feels intense hatred for girls who try to explain why girls are horrible friends to have and male friends are so much better. I don’t want to be the kind of feminist who only feels like writing when she is forced to endure interaction with girls/women who have internalized misogyny to such an extent that they are willing to throw their dignity, pride as well as their own girlfriends under the bus just to get some pitiful scraps of approval from some inconsequential, pathetic guys.
And yet I am that kind of feminist. And I seem to have internalized misogyny as well. I hold my female colleagues and feminists to higher standards than the rest of society so that if they say one fucked up thing, I jump all over them with anger. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to tear apart a man the same way I’ve wanted to tear apart a woman for saying something misogynistic. It’s like I expect men to be fucking assholes – I’ve stopped expecting any kind of decency from them. I simply don’t care for it anymore. But when a girl says some shit, I can’t bear it. It’s like they’re betraying their friends, their sisters, the people who actually care about them just for some approval from men who don’t give a fuck about them and I can’t stand it and I have to let them know it.
I have no excuse for being like this. The above is not an excuse but an explanation for why I feel infuriated when girls bring each other down for not being sufficiently appeasing to men and the patriarchy. But an excuse and an explanation are more or less the same thing in my book, so who am I fooling? I can’t go holding girls to higher standards than men because doesn’t that kind of make me an oppressor too? We’re all trying to survive in this world which is governed by systems which privilege some over many, many others and we do this in various ways. Who am I to fucking judge? I’m going to try to not be so judgemental in the future. Let’s see how long it will last because I can’t just turn my anger off like a switch. And when I’m angry, I need to vent and writing is my outlet. It will be a slow process but I’ll just have to try.
Losing my dog has left a major hole in my heart. Every so often I think that he should be here exploring and enjoying his life. He was a dog who didn’t get bored easily and always found a way to keep himself amused. He didn’t need us although he did like having us around and he clearly didn’t mind the occasional hug either because he’d always raise his head and lick my face or chin or just settle down on my lap whenever I hugged him.
I love this dog so much but loving something with all your heart doesn’t give it the ultimate protection like Harry Potter would have us believe. Love goes a long way but sometimes it just isn’t enough.
If this tragedy has taught me anything it’s this: don’t waste time on people who don’t love or care or appreciate you, because the time we have with the people who do love us just isn’t long enough. We don’t have enough time to waste on useless people.
If you have “friends” who only remember you when their other friends (the ones they abandoned you for) have stabbed them in the back or are just being annoying to them, tell them goodbye and just hang up the phone. If you have “friends” who only remember you when they want something, drop them now. If you have “friends” for whom you have to use all of your energy to tolerate, cut them out of your life now.
Life is short, and our time with our loved ones is even shorter. Stop tolerating shit.
I am rapidly morphing into someone I hate. I need some alone time to reclaim myself. I need days free of friends or rather, that one particular friend whose way of thinking is the complete opposite of mine. She lays her opinions onto me, opinions I never even asked for and opinions which I so whole heartedly disagree with and which instantly set my pulse racing with anger. She is one of those who thinks girls are train-wrecks waiting to happen and need men to save them from themselves and she is a firm believer in gender essentialism (even though she doesn’t know that’s what it’s called). Woman hatred or belief in the inferiority of our sex are things I cannot stand and which I can’t help speaking out against. I defend women with all of my heart to her smiling disagreement since she is after all the expert on all women even though she judges them before she can even get to know them or understand their lives. The female sex is generally selfish, idiotic, infantile and fucked up, and she, the good religious girl that she is, is the only exception.
I said before that I can’t help speaking out against the shit that spews out of her mouth but lately I’ve been trying to control myself. I have to be nice, be a good friend, don’t be a bitch! But she continues talking her shit. This happens everyday. Every fucking day. But I control myself. I don’t say anything much, and if I do I say it as nicely as possible though my blood is boiling. Sometimes the annoyance makes itself evident in the higher pitch of my voice and I try to make up for it by not speaking out against her antiwoman tirades the next time one of them occurs. Or sometimes I pretend to agree with her to keep the peace.
The problem is that I feel like I am compromising my beliefs by even being friends with her. I feel like I am not being myself by even smiling with her. Sometimes my smiles are genuine but most times they’re as fake as can be. I hate myself for even trying to keep a good face. Why am I doing this? Why do I even need to try to save a friendship that is completely bad for my health? It is so fake and I hate being fake but this girl is my friend. I feel as if though I don’t even like her much, there are other people who I’d get along with even better. And I am confused as to why I feel the need to mask a piece of my soul in order to be friends with a girl, I quite frankly hate. I can’t just up and stop being friends with her. Things are a hell of a lot more complicated than that. I’ve told her secrets and entrusted some of my feelings to her and basically treated her like a friend. But I may have done this in response to her telling me huge fractions of her life story on a daily basis. I had to give back.
But my behaviour is still confusing me. My beliefs are who I am. When someone has opinions that are the antithesis of my opinions, it means that they are the antithesis of me. They are against me. When you hate women for reasons which the patriarchy and religion have used for years to subjugate us, you also hate me. You can’t separate women and me. I am not an exceptional woman. I am just a woman.
And this friend that I have, who is driving me insane, is someone who shouldn’t even have the honour of being called a woman.