Hating myself right about now

I usually try not to post entries on this blog where I talk about what I did today and what’s been bothering me lately and which friend I’d like to kill but it makes this blog seem so inauthentic as if though all I ever think about is feminism and whatever else I talk about on here. The truth is that I worry a lot about what’s going to happen to me and where I’m going to end up and if I’m just going to keep making stupid excuses for myself every time I try to do something new and then fail at it and say bullshit like, it’s the experience that counts! I mean, yeah gaining new experiences is always a good thing but sometimes I desperately want things to go according to the way I envisioned it in my mind. Sometimes I want to actually succeed at things. Hell, I want to succeed all the time but each time plans fall through due to my own inadequacies and indiscipline, I say crap like maybe it’s just better this way. I don’t want to do that anymore. It makes avoidable fuck ups seem OK and excusable and the best thing that could have happened in the grand scheme of things. I want to work hard and get the results I want. I just want to accomplish goals again and to get that feeling of accomplishment and success when you do. You don’t feel that way when things just happen to you.

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2 comments on “Hating myself right about now

  1. Experience is always good, but I get where you’re coming from. I’m even worse in some cases because sometimes I just don’t try in case I fail.

    • Yes I do that as well, avoid new challenges for fear of failing or being rejected. Before, I never used to try anything new and different at all. I avoided everything it seemed. Now I do take more chances and try new things but I have trouble with commitment and giving it my all. And I’m lazy as well. All kinds of issues I have. Thanks for commenting!

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