Hating myself right about now

I usually try not to post entries on this blog where I talk about what I did today and what’s been bothering me lately and which friend I’d like to kill but it makes this blog seem so inauthentic as if though all I ever think about is feminism and whatever else I talk about on here. The truth is that I worry a lot about what’s going to happen to me and where I’m going to end up and if I’m just going to keep making stupid excuses for myself every time I try to do something new and then fail at it and say bullshit like, it’s the experience that counts! I mean, yeah gaining new experiences is always a good thing but sometimes I desperately want things to go according to the way I envisioned it in my mind. Sometimes I want to actually succeed at things. Hell, I want to succeed all the time but each time plans fall through due to my own inadequacies and indiscipline, I say crap like maybe it’s just better this way. I don’t want to do that anymore. It makes avoidable fuck ups seem OK and excusable and the best thing that could have happened in the grand scheme of things. I want to work hard and get the results I want. I just want to accomplish goals again and to get that feeling of accomplishment and success when you do. You don’t feel that way when things just happen to you.

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A question of shaving one’s pubes

I’d like to know: are there any women out there who shave their pubic hair for the sole purpose of their own self-fulfilment? Or is it something that you just do for the guys in your lives? Or do you do it because people say a hairy vulva is gross and disgusting? Or is it just the normal thing to do? What is the reason?

I’ve done it a couple of times and on both occasions, I regretted it afterwards. The first time I did it, I was about eleven years old. The hairs had only started growing out and I think it freaked me out and I may have done it in an attempt to revert back to prepubescence. I don’t know. I was a silly child. It fucking itched like hell though.

The second time I did it was because I realized that people thought a girl with pubes was disgusting and hilarious. I saw cartoons online with cruel depictions of women with pubes. I read exaggerated descriptions of women who didn’t shave and the adjectives used were so hurtful. Naturally, I thought my body was weird and I sought to rectify the problem at the earliest opportunity. Again, I didn’t do it properly, i.e. if there is a proper way of doing this shit, and again it itched like hell. The pubes also grew back rapidly, much faster than leg hair, and the resulting texture was extremely coarse because of how thick pubic hair strands are. I decided after that, that shaving just wasn’t worth the trouble no matter how fucking gross people said it was. It was just too much work for too little rewards. And plus it itched like crazy and the texture of the pubes growing back out the next day crawled my blood.

In order to maintain a hairless vulva, one would have to do it pretty often and I’m guessing one would have to take her time doing it so that she wouldn’t hurt herself. Is it worth the time and effort? Are you really doing it for you? And it doesn’t even feel good. Aesthetically, I don’t like how it looks. I guess some women would probably think it looks cool. To me it looks somewhat childlike but more like a plucked chicken or something. I prefer the hair any day. Not that I care too much. I don’t adore my pubes, but I don’t hate them either. I’m pretty indifferent to them actually, however their absence freaks me out. But they do serve a purpose. I think they prevent dust and other foreign particles from getting up there and they keep periods from spilling all over the place. Well that’s what my PE teacher told us. I don’t know how true that is. I’ve never ever actually been shaven while I had a period. But think about it. Hominoids gradually evolved to become less hairy than our primate ancestors. They lost much of their hair from all over their bodies, save for the head, armpits and genitals, over time. Maybe the reason why natural selection hasn’t done away with our pubes is because they do serve a purpose.

Anyway, I’m not at all judging anyone. I’m not in a position to judge others seeing that I do some pretty questionable things myself. But I will say that body hair on women, particularly pubic hair, is NOT unclean, weird or disgusting. It grows on all women and evolution left it there for a reason so please don’t let that be the reason why you trouble yourself with removing your pubes and please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I’ll get into the implications of porn culture and beauty expectations some other time.