I am rapidly morphing into someone I hate. I need some alone time to reclaim myself. I need days free of friends or rather, that one particular friend whose way of thinking is the complete opposite of mine. She lays her opinions onto me, opinions I never even asked for and opinions which I so whole heartedly disagree with and which instantly set my pulse racing with anger. She is one of those who thinks girls are train-wrecks waiting to happen and need men to save them from themselves and she is a firm believer in gender essentialism (even though she doesn’t know that’s what it’s called). Woman hatred or belief in the inferiority of our sex are things I cannot stand and which I can’t help speaking out against. I defend women with all of my heart to her smiling disagreement since she is after all the expert on all women even though she judges them before she can even get to know them or understand their lives. The female sex is generally selfish, idiotic, infantile and fucked up, and she, the good religious girl that she is, is the only exception.
I said before that I can’t help speaking out against the shit that spews out of her mouth but lately I’ve been trying to control myself. I have to be nice, be a good friend, don’t be a bitch! But she continues talking her shit. This happens everyday. Every fucking day. But I control myself. I don’t say anything much, and if I do I say it as nicely as possible though my blood is boiling. Sometimes the annoyance makes itself evident in the higher pitch of my voice and I try to make up for it by not speaking out against her antiwoman tirades the next time one of them occurs. Or sometimes I pretend to agree with her to keep the peace.
The problem is that I feel like I am compromising my beliefs by even being friends with her. I feel like I am not being myself by even smiling with her. Sometimes my smiles are genuine but most times they’re as fake as can be. I hate myself for even trying to keep a good face. Why am I doing this? Why do I even need to try to save a friendship that is completely bad for my health? It is so fake and I hate being fake but this girl is my friend. I feel as if though I don’t even like her much, there are other people who I’d get along with even better. And I am confused as to why I feel the need to mask a piece of my soul in order to be friends with a girl, I quite frankly hate. I can’t just up and stop being friends with her. Things are a hell of a lot more complicated than that. I’ve told her secrets and entrusted some of my feelings to her and basically treated her like a friend. But I may have done this in response to her telling me huge fractions of her life story on a daily basis. I had to give back.
But my behaviour is still confusing me. My beliefs are who I am. When someone has opinions that are the antithesis of my opinions, it means that they are the antithesis of me. They are against me. When you hate women for reasons which the patriarchy and religion have used for years to subjugate us, you also hate me. You can’t separate women and me. I am not an exceptional woman. I am just a woman.
And this friend that I have, who is driving me insane, is someone who shouldn’t even have the honour of being called a woman.